Dan Green of The Mortgage Reports is a super cool guy and today, we bring you the world’s shortest bubble gum interview. Someone must have practiced his stand up act in the mirror before answering, because this is hella funny! [Hint:] be sure to click all the links in Dan’s answers…

What is your favorite commercial on TV right now?

That one where the Native American guy sees all that pollution and the tear runs down his face.

Who would you rather have owe you a favor- Hillary Clinton, Tom Cruise or Oscar the Grouch?

That’s a trick question. Everybody knows that Hillary Clinton and Tom Cruise are the same person. http://HillaryClintonIsTomCruise.com

What nickname did you have as a kid?

Only the cool kids got nicknames.

How did you learn that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real?

The Easter Bunny told me.

What’s playing on your iPod these days (or tape player, whatev)?

Warren G. Harding’s 1921 inaugural speech (with introduction by Andrew Ridgeley)

Name all the places you’ve lived.

In the past, in the moment, in the clouds, and Cincinnati.

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So there you have it. Dan believes that the crying Native American is a current commercial, revealed to us that Hillary Clinton and Tom Cruise are, in fact, the same person (I KNEW I didn’t like her), was way too nerdy as a kid to get a nickname (so we’ll pick “Garbage Can Dan” and hope it sticks now that he’s cool enough), the easter bunny whispers sweet nothings in his ear, and relives Harding’s speech every morning on his crank record player. Now that you really (kind of) know Dan, what do you think??

Oh, I love Canadians (I just hope they’ll forgive us for South Park’s “Blame Canada” medley), especially Norm Fisher! I’ll admit it has taken a long time for this interview to come to fruition between Norm swallowing neighboring brokerages like a (nice) gator and my need to have everything immaculately timed. But alas, the time has come and the wait was WELL worth it!

When did the training wheels come off of your bicycle as a kid?

I can’t recall how old I was, but I otherwise remember it like it was yesterday. I left my bike at the bottom of the driveway and ran inside the house. Moments later, I looked out the front window and Brenda Khnitski, my neighbour, had pushed my bike over, climbed on top of it and was jumping up and down, mangling the training wheels. In a complete fit of rage, I ran to the street and hurled her to the ground. I had barely begun to deal with her when I saw my mom come running with a wooden spoon in her hand screaming, “Norman!! Norman!!” To my complete surprise, she struck me with that damned spoon seven or eight times. Ouch! The training wheels came off later that day, and of course, I learned a lesson which has served me well since; you can’t always trust your mother.

If you could be the best in any sport, which would it be?

Without a doubt, it would be hockey. I tried to play it as a kid but I was completely lame. I was the one who skated around on his ankles hoping that the puck would never come anywhere near him. I’m not really sure why I stuck it out for four painful seasons.

My wife and my son are the biggest NHL fans in the world. Did you know that there’s a hockey game on TV almost every night between October and June? Sometimes two, if you include the French channels! They watch every one of them, cheering and screaming like lunatics as I relive the pain of my youth upstairs in my office.

If I was good at hockey, I’d probably enjoy the game more and I’d get to spend more time with my high def plasma TV.

Tell us about something stupid you did as a kid that resulted in an injury?

When I was twelve or thirteen, a major shopping mall was built near our neighborhood. During the excavation stage, a huge hill of earth was formed and as kids, we enjoyed riding our bikes there. You could really get whipping on the way down that sucker. Everyone avoided one side of the hill which was particularly steep. Some earth had been removed from this side resulting in a sudden and sharp drop off. I was reluctant at first, but it did look like fun as my two buddies rode the slope, and gracefully flew through the air to a surprisingly soft landing below. The jeering from the ground provided much needed encouragement as I bolted from the top of the hill. Within seconds, I was flying through the air. “YES!! I’M ALIVE!!” I thought to myself, wind whipping through my hair, and my heart pounding with excitement. I felt like I’d conquered the world, until moments later, I hit the ground, and became a heap of flesh, metal and broken bones.

Name a guilty pleasure.

Sweet stuff! I’ve always been crazy about candy and chocolate. I’ve actually hurt myself by overindulgence on more than one occasion.

Last summer, Trish and I travelled through Lake Louise. There’s a cool candy store there that makes chocolate goodies which are named after various animals that live in the area. You have your “elk plops” and your “bear claws” and several other delights which are all essentially the same, except for their names and the basic layout of the ingredients. We decided that we should try one of each and we ate about 30 dollars worth of chocolate in the next half hour. On the bright side, we didn’t eat again for the next couple of days, so I think there were definitely some savings.

If you were on a yacht and it was going to sink, who would you save between Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and a good bottle of liquor?

I hate to sound so shallow that I might actually choose a “good bottle of liquor” over a human life. Regardless of the choice one makes here, it’s bound to lead to a lifetime of guilt. That’s a trip I’d prefer to start with a good bottle of liquor. Besides, let’s face it; Paris and Brittany aren’t exactly getting better with age!

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So there you have it. Norm beats up little girls, is the lamest hockey player ever, broke himself in a mall, has actually overdosed on chocolate, and would choose liquor (which causes wrinkles and puking) over a rich, hot heiress (which causes happiness and chronic popularity). Now that you really know Norm, what do you think??

When people get the dreaded “bubble gum interview” invitation, many groan, others pretend not to see my email and others hesitantly answer, knowing readers are scraping every answer for a juicy bit of gossip. Not Phoenix Realtor Steve Belt- he was way excited to be a bubble gum victim and it may be that as opposed to me, he’s had quite an interesting go at life… check it out!Name the worst non-poo item you’ve discovered in a baby diaper.

That would have to be my finger. I wish I had the calendar entry for when my youngest became toilet trained, as it truly was a glorious day. Of the household diaper changes, I probably did 80% of them, so I was elated when my littlest was “all grown up”.

What would you do if you took your kids to the zoo and a monkey started attacking you?

I hope I would bash the thing’s head in with my camera. I always have my big digital SLR at the zoo with my kids, and it weighs around 2 pounds, so it could do some nice damage. I love shooting animals at the zoo, which reminds me it’s been too long since I’ve taken the kids to go do that. For Spring Break, I’ve been thinking San Diego would be a good destination, in part, to visit the zoo.

Who do you think smells better- Al Pacino or Dustin Hoffman?

I have the worst sense of smell on the planet, and we combine that with me smelling 2 men? I’ll give the nod to Al Pacino, primarily for his monologue in Scent of a Woman, which was extraordinary.

Why is “bald” the new “in” look in Real Estate?

In my case, I shaved my head before becoming an Agent, but it suits me well. There is an interesting story to the bald thing, however. At Intel (my former life), they offer a 6 week paid vacation after 7 years of employment called a sabbatical. On my sabbatical, I took a mountain biking trip, riding trails across much of the western US. From AZ to CA to OR to UT to NV back to AZ. What a great trip. During the final 3 weeks of the trip, I was completely alone, enjoying nature and my bike, and getting in the best shape of my 30’s. On my last day in Oregon, while at Wallowa Lake, I decide to shave off my hair. It’s a hassle having hair while wearing a helmet, particularly once the helmet comes off, so I decided the hair had to go. I called my wife that night, and let her know when I did eventually get back home, I’d be bald. At first she was a bit stunned, but now she likes it. My hair is thinning on the top, graying on the side, and I still cycle a ton, so this look suits my whole life very well.

What is the biggest bug you’ve seen in person?

I saw a tarantula while riding in McDowell Mountain Regional Park one morning. It was slowly walking across the trail. I remember we had a tarantula as a class pet in 4th grade, but seeing one “in the wild” was much more interesting.

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So there you have it. Steve has put his finger in dookie, loves shooting animals (especially at the zoo), thinks Al Pacino smells like a soft woman, shaved his hippie hair off on a bicycling self-discovery man trip, and once saw a godzilla-sized tarantula- seriously. Now that you really know Steve, what do you think???

It’s Andy Kaufman’s birthday (Agent Genius contributor, My East Bay Agent host, and Twitter addict), so why don’t we try to ruin his career by publishing the unedited version of his Bubble Gum Interview? What better way to tell someone you love them by letting their vulnerability become public? Happy happy Birthday, buddy!  Now get offline and go have fun!

What famous person did you crush on as a kid?

First it was Kelly, then Brenda for a sec, after that it was Valerie for a while, until Noxema Girl came along, when she got killed it was back to Valerie, then for a hot sec it was Keats, until finally it was Sam. Notice that I never said Donna once.

Who has better hair- Neil Cavuto or John Edwards?

Have you seen the wave in Edwards’ hair? Soft, fluffy, with a nice little curl on his part. Toally blows away Cavuto’s spiky gel helmet. I bet Jimmy Johnson’s hair moves more than Cavuto’s does. Of course I’m a guy and I don’t pay attention to guys’ hair, but since you asked…

When you listen to sea shells, do you hear the voices? What do they say to you?

Sure do. Evangeline Lilly whispers 4 8 15 16 23 42 in my ear. Hawt! Now what do they mean????

You’re at a bar and you meet Eric Estrada- do you go to the after party with him or do you run away?

Not only do we hit up the after party, we hit up the after after party. We’re doing it up, having a blast, calling each other 7 Mary 3 & 7 Mary 4. After that we hop on his private jet and keep it going (you know Ponch travels in style). yada yada yada… Next thing I know, I’m waking up at Lake Shastina with a couple plots of swamp land and a wicked hangover.

If you had to work at College Humor or I Can Has Cheezburger- which and why?

I’m an Onion guy, through and through. Wisco represent!

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So there you have it.  Andy thinks Donna is unworthy but somehow scary Noxema girl isn’t, has a little John Edwards mush (man+crush), hears hot chick’s voice when he listens to sea shells, tells dream sequence stories about gettin’ krunk with Ponch in a tone of a younger Peter Griffin and loves loves loves the Onion over ICHC, proving that he was dropped on his head frequently as a soft-headed baby. Now that you really know Andy, what do you think???

Dalton and I go way back and if you don’t know him well, then now is your chance (he’s the one in the pink shirt… don’t worry- he left his ruffled puffy pants at home that day).  Jonathan Dalton is a Realtor/Blogger/ Father/Husband in Phoenix, AZ.  His blog focuses on Phoenix real estate and he also voices his opinion on national issues at Agent Genius.  My favorite things about Dalton are (1) that he’s missing any shy bones in his body, (2) he keeps his word, (3) has a great sense of humor and (4) he has a dog.  Yep, that’s a favorite thing.  Okay, enough about me, let’s embarrass Dalton- make sure to leave ugly comments for him, he really likes them.

What was your first job ever?

I was a gold shearer. Kinda like being a sheep shearer but without the cache or the groupies. My dad worked for a company that made circuit boards and I used what essentially was a paper cutter to cut the golf off the rejected boards so they could recoup the gold chemically. Side note: years later, that same company burned down causing one hellacious environmental mess.

Do you wear braided leather belts or shoes with braided tassels?

Well, uh, um. Gee … what’s the next question?

What’s your highest score on Wii bowling?

Glad you didn’t really ask me, Lani. 267! And I’m damn proud of that fact.

On a vacation, tell us about meeting a stranger.

Oh this is easy. Have you ever gone to a ballpark and run into someone who becomes everyone’s friend in the section? The kind who can make large masses of people rise and fall and cheer at their urging? Yeah, that’s me. So I meet strangers all the time. My favorite has to be from the honeymoon on the first marriage. We were at an Oakland A’s game and some 16-year-old kid took off his shirt, jumped his flabby butt up and down and kept yelling at Brady Anderson: “Hey, Brady! Don’t you see me shaking my fat for you?”

If you had a twin, would you be the good or evil twin?

Evil, naturally. Good’s highly overrated. And boring.

Say I jumped out and scared you- would you karate chop me or scream like a girl?

I’d probably settle for shouting a stream of expletives. My wife’s answer about my response likely will be different.

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So there you have it. Dalton’s first job was an undercover spy at a gold shearing plant, wears braided leather belts and tassled shoes and proudly sports one of those wallets with a rad wolf or an arrowhead engraved in the leather, is a semi-pro bowler (on Wii), made friends with a flab-flyin’ teen at a ball game, wants to be the evil twin (like Danny Devito in “Twins”) and screams cusses like a girl when scared.  Now that you really know Jonathan, what do you think???

Meet Milo, he’s Andrew Hillman’s new doggie (don’t you love Milo???)!   Andrew is the founder of the Hillman Real Estate Company and we’ll forgive his offense of being a Northerner Yankee and go ahead and interview him (just teasing).  His answers are short but sweet and my favorite part is fifth question…

Be honest- if you could have a baby in place of your future/potential wife, would you do it if she asked?

Absolutely, as long as I am allowed to self medicate myself whenever I feel the need and she agrees to wait on me night and day. lol.

Who would you rather have lunch with- Gary Coleman or Don’t Tase Me Bro?

Gary Coleman, I love trainwrecks and hanging out with him would be just that - a good time!

What’s the most disgusting bathroom you’ve ever been in?

The bathroom in my college apartment was disgusting. Living in the center of all the action gave people the audacity to stop-in to use the bathroom as if we had gas pumps outside our place. Five guys, many parties and one bathroom. You literally had to put on flip-flops to enter. My parents were appalled every time they came to see me.

You’re stranded in Cuba and have to get back to the States- tell us a creative non-boat way that you’d do it.

Hmm, I guess I would catch a bunch of fish and bribe a dolphin and have the dolphin pull me to Florida. I was in Jamica earlier this year and I rode a dolphin and it was so much fun!

Tell us about a time you got in trouble before age 13.

The first thing that comes to mind was when I was 12 years-old. One year from graduating from Hebrew School I got kicked out for being a “disruption.” My friend threw something at the teacher when her back was turned and she thought it was me. She called me an ass, I called her a bitch, the school called my parents. They were not happy. I cost them several years of tuition and I needed to have a Bar Mitzvah at another Temple.

What is your favorite family tradition?

Favorite family tradition has got to be Red Sox Vs.Yankee games. My parents don’t watch every single Red Sox game but they get just as fired up as the kids do when the two teams are playing. Its a fun celebration that never gets old.

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So there you have it. Andrew is dreaming of befriending Gary Coleman, embarassed his parents with a grody college bathroom where five other guys puked after keggers (among other icky bathroom things post-teens do), loves dolphins and rainbows and unicorns, and got kicked out of school for verbally karate chopping a stupid teacher.   Now that you really know Andrew, what do you think???

I’ve been anxiously waiting to meet Mariana Wagner of the Colorado Springs Real Estate Connection and Agent Genius in person to verify that the following interview was not made up.  I can say after meeting her that it is all indeed true (including the part where she emailed me and threatened to copy and paste any parts I omitted from the full article)!   Mariana is an ex-hippie Realtor who is always in “go mode” and can make a joke out of dang near anything! 

What would your theme song be?

My theme song is forever changing and perpetually Unwritten. It really depends on my mood or my medication or who asks me. Since Lani asked me, then I am forced to make it complicated. There are 20+ of my previous and current theme songs scattered throughout this interview. So, if you are ready to continue … Let’s Do It! (Joan Jett style, that is …)

Pretend you’re single- you have to marry a celebrity, who is it?

I HAVE to marry a celebrity? What kind of question is that?!? You People Are Strange. Is Athol a celebrity? LOL! Okay. Okay. Today my answer is … Johnny Depp. Arrrggh! Not only does his quirky pirate-like intelligence and charm intrigue me, but that man sho’ does bring SexyBack!  Tomorrow my answer will NOT be Matt Damon, because, quite frankly, I can’t stand him. But it might be Dane Cook, ‘cause he is Bootylicious.

If quitters never win and winners never quit, why do they say “quit while you’re ahead?”

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it may incriminate me. So, instead, I will ask myself a different question (see next question)…

If you were a fictional character, who would you be?

Tank Girl. Hands down. Tank Girl. My idol.

Did we evolve from amoeba, monkeys, Adam & Eve or…

Um. Was that a question? I don’t know about you people, but I confuse evolution and reincarnation all the time. Honestly? I Imagine a Supermassive Black Hole that exists in the year 2013 – coincidentally the same year that my oldest son graduates from HS. At that point, we will be able to Pretend We’re Dead and go back in time and choose who we want to evolve from or be reincarnated into. I choose Elvis.

Tell us about a time you cursed in public.  Sports arenas don’t count.

Oh He11. Why this question? I am not a quiet person, nor am I that refined … Spent too much time in Brooklyn, NYC. (Oh, I love New York!) Okay, outside of day-to-day stuff … you asked for it. Once upon a time I worked at a local health food store, here in Colorado Springs. This was back when I was a hippy Punk Rock Girl and I ran the cash register. Well, one day I was driving my VW Golf and came to a stop at a stop light. Perfect weather. No Rain. It was Summertime, but there was no Blister in the Sun. Anyway, the city bus that was behind me proceeded to try to run through the red light and darn it if I wasn’t in the way. Jacked me up really good! Besides chanting, “I Wanna Be Sedated” and going through extensive sessions of bio-feedback, chiropractic adjustment and deep-tissue massage, I found myself with an extremely short temper – you know, the kind of temper where the “mental filter” between mind and mouth is completely absent? Yeah. THAT kind of temper. So, one day I was ringing up a bunch of bulk items for a “lady” and politely told her to please mark the price per pound on the bags next time she came in. 650 different types of bulk flour start looking the same. She snapped at me something about doing my job and how privileged she was … blah blah blah.

So, I just shut my mouth and tried to get through her order as quick as possible. Then she called me rude, so I flipped her off and told her to “Shut the F*** up.” I wonder if that was what she meant by “rude” … My stellar customer service skills at their best! The owner of the store saw all of it on tape (yes it was recorded) and came out front. He told the “lady” that she was rude to me and he didn’t need her business, handed her her bags of grains and told her to get out of the store. He then turned to me and asked me to please take a week off. So I did.

SERIOUS QUESTION:
Describe the “aha” moment when you knew you wanted to marry your husband.

I do not know how to answer this question, as I just knew the first moment that I met him that I needed to KNOW him. Anyway, I originally (and briefly) met Derek while visiting a friend who lived in an apartment near the Burnside Skate Park (under the Burnside Bridge in SE Portland). Derek doesn’t even remember this 1^st meeting. But I do. I was 19 - a “Come As You Are” sk8er chick. Skate or Die, Dude! And decided that I needed to get an apartment here … What a better 1^stapartment for a skateboarding assistant manager Teenager at Hot Topic than the one right across the street from Burnside Skate Park Oh the memories …

Anyway, I moved into the building a few months later, and had the chicken pox. Yes. Chicken Pox at 19. Ugh. I am moving in and completely delirious and this guy comes knocking on my door trying to give me a box of leftover pizza. (He worked at a pizza place.) After working through the confusion of I-didn’t-order-pizza and just-take-the-pizza-its-free and okay-fine-thank-you, I realized that he was this GUY that I decided I needed to know about 5 months prior. Time Warp a couple weeks later and we are hanging out all the time. By now I already “know” that I am going to be with him for the rest of my life. He asks me to go on a road trip with him to Colorado. He liked me just The Way I Are. I say yes without hesitation. Pop Goes the World I once knew. I quit my job, moved out and have been with Derek ever since. That was 14 years ago, and we definitely are Better Together. But I must say … What a Long, Strange Trip It’s Been!

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So there you have it. Mariana is thrown for a loop if she’s off her meds when she is asked simple questions, has an affinity for dirty guys, will do anything short of murder kittens to plug Tank Girl, has delusions of reincarnation and coming back as an Elvis monkey, cusses at harmless old ladies in stores, and overdoses on musical references and YouTube links in an abnormally unhealthy manner, putting her one step closer to an Institution… Now that you really know Mariana, what do you think???

Special Guest Post from Vicki Moore (thanks a lot for asking questions that will surely haunt me for eternity, Vicki!):
“I noticed that, not so slyly, Lani was absent from the Bubble Gum interview roll. In an on-going effort to Reveal, Lani has, not begrudgingly, agreed to subject herself to the scrutiny of serious news reporting. Just like Fox: I report. You decide. I’m Vicki Moore - Reporter at large - wait a minute. That didn’t come out right…”

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Bubble Gum Interview of Lani, by Vicki Moore

Why is your new blog site so much better than everyone else’s?

Well thanks for asking, Vicki. Okay, so you didn’t ask but I write the rules. My new blog site is so amazing because my husband tailored it especially for me.  It features beautiful imagery of Austin and tells a little more about me than I’ve shared in the past. You may even see some Austin news pop up from time to time. Again, thanks for asking (or for not asking… whatev)!

OH, and don’t forget, I’ve been sick for nearly a week (I’ll omit the details of what my massive amounts of snot looks like) and woke up today to be invited to take a peek at my new blog- WHAT A SURPRISE!!! Sorry men, Benn just wipes the floor with you guys!

What kitchen item describes you and your personality?

Probably one of those fancy knives you got in the set of 80 kitchen tools at your wedding. You know- the knife that hasn’t been sharpened in a while but thinks it’s a ginsu knife or something? That’s it- I’m the dull knife that thinks it’s sharp!

What one thing can’t you live without?

Air, TV and food, but mostly my laptop. As the wife of a Realtor (who works full time with him), we spend an exorbinant amount of time in the car, so the laptop with the Sprint wireless card is a must for looking up MLS info, blogging, emailing (I do NOT do this on my phone, btw), marketing, researching, etc.

What are 3 unique things about you? - 2 true and 1 lie.

Sweet- I love this format. Okay, I anticipate I’ll get called out for the lie, but here goes… (1) I love animals in an insane way (I’d have a petting zoo if I could). On our family’s ranch in Dripping Springs, I ride Morgan horses every weekend- Benn’s is named Harlequin and mine is HorseOfCourse. (2) I have lived in Spain and Mexico, have a minor in Spanish, but can’t speak Spanish unless I’m drinking or being held at gunpoint. (3) My favorite restaurant is Luby’s (old people diner where you stand in line and point to what food you want). I eat there on my birthday- I’ll choose it over Ruth Chris’ Steakhouse any day.

What’s your favorite Jeopardy question?

Anything Trebeck asks Sean Connery on SNL. My favorite category is Therapists for 200. (video not safe for work)

If you could be any super-hero which would it be?

I’m supposed to pick a chick, I’m sure, but I think I’d have to go with Peter Griffin. You may say he’s not a superhero, but he’s MY superhero. He’s pee-pants high-larious! Plus, he can fight chickens, have a love affair with a bag of lard, and built a bar in his basement… what more could you ask for in a hero?

If you had three wishes, what would one of them be?

Okay, this is my serious question, so I’ll take it seriously.  This may sound Miss America-ish, but I’m being honest.   I wish that those that cannot speak for themselves (elderly, infermed, children and unborn babies) be guarded and protected. Too many are taken advantage of, hurt or even killed because they can’t defend themselves.

Guest Post over. Go ahead- do your worst damage (especially figuring out which item was a lie)…

Vicki is my friend and for some reason, she’s donated her time for a Bubble Gum Interview for our greater good. It’s like volunteering at a puppy shelter or being a volunteer Wal-Mart greeter- you don’t get anything in return, but boy it feels good to do it, right Vicki? Vicki Moore, host of the San Mateo Real Estate Blog and contributor extraordinaire at Agent Genius seems abnormally cautious in this interview and abnormally short on words (I suspect it has something to do with a trailer and the cops)…

What food do you hate (for reasons other than allergies)?

Dinuguan. Nasty. Yucky.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Expensive?

What tech gadgets do you own?

I tried channeling Johnny Depp with my Black Pearl but it hasn’t been successful yet. I’m a tv hound. Does a DVR count?

When was the last time you pulled an all-nighter?

Oooh. Now that brings back memories. It wasn’t the last time, but the one that comes to memory is a night during Christmastime. I can’t give details. I think I could still be arrested. But the ingredients included a trailer at a Christmas tree lot, a motorcycle, the police and a garage door opener.

Name your favorite flower, color, dream car, coffee shop and celebrity.

I love flowers; any that smell good are my favorite. Red definitely. I had a 5.0 Mustang that was my dream car at the time. I only got two tickets. I think that’s pretty good considering. I swear the wheels left the ground once. Now I would say it’s a Caymen - not red though. Coffee shop? I don’t drink coffee, but Heidi’s Pies is pretty awesome. I would compare it to the Waffle House, but not as good. Celebrity? Kathy Griffin. We went to see her when she was in the City. She’s hilarious.

Have you had another career before? How did you choose Real Estate?

Prior to real estate, I was a court reporter. I listened to death and destruction all day. Not fun. It was an invaluable experience; I learned a tremendous amount about so many things. I chose real estate because there’s no glass ceiling and I don’t like to be told what to do.

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So there you have it.  Vicki cautiously avoided cussing about grody Dinuguan (whatever that is), thinks china in China is expensive, is harboring a massive crush on a toothless drunk who wears puffy shirts whose last name rhymes with marrow, doesn’t drink coffee (huuuuuhhh?), prefers D-List celebrities who she’s seen the back of their heads while walking around town, and can pop-a-wheelie in a mustang.  Now that you really know Vicki, what do you think?
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So, I’m not sure if her name rhymes with Patrick Swayze’s, rhymes with cheesy or swissy, but after this interview, you two will know just how cool Jessica Swesey of Inman News is.  I interviewed her months ago but was waiting for Inman Connect to gear up so that readers have her fresh in their minds (and so they can laugh at her and poke her with sticks when they see her in person this week).  Let the fun begin!!!

What is the strangest pet you’ve ever had?

I actually haven’t had a lot of pets in my lifetime. I do remember a pet salamander I caught in a pond when I was in the first grade. I promptly named her Sally the Salamander and she kept me company from her mayonnaise jar (cleaned of course) while I battled the chicken pox.

How do you react when a stranger swears they know you? Mace them because they looked at your credit card when you just bought coffee or rack your brain in case you actually DO know them?

I usually think they are a little bit crazy, but mostly harmless. I live in San Francisco where most people are a little bit crazy and mostly harmless. This actually happens to me a lot at industry events since we launched InmanTV. Thankfully, there’s been no leak of my sex tape yet.

Name the spiciest food you’ve ever eaten.

This one’s easy — it would have to be the doro wat (a spicy stewed chicken dish) at my wedding last year. My husband is Ethiopian so we had a huge traditional feast and celebration, which in that culture means stuffing your face until you’re so full that other people begin stuffing it for you. All the dishes were made by family members and the spices were brought over directly from Addis Ababa. Good stuff.

If you had to be the red carpet fashion police, who would be banned from ever being on the red carpet again?

Anyone who’s too drunk or pharmed up to walk on their own. Come on Lindsey, Paula and Britney — being wasted is soooo last year. No one could wear wasted like Anna Nicole and now that’s she’s gone the trend has to be retired.

What song would be the soundtrack for your life? You know, like what would play in the background as you walk downtown?

Ooh, this would have to be the catchy tune, Young Folks, from Peter Bjorn and John. I dare you to listen without whistling along.

What is the meanest thing an ex-coworker has said or done to you?

I’ve had many co-workers in the past mistake my quiet and self-reflective nature for being stuck up. But I guess the meanest thing anyone’s ever done to me is leave me in the trenches for a more exciting job. That always sucks. How dare they chase success at my expense!

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So there you have it. Jessica jars animals, aims to fill up RErevealed’s spam filter by using the words “sex tape” (thanks, Jessica), eats crazy made up Ethiopian food, and her life soundtrack is a song by some strange, whistling Swedes. Now that you really know Jessica, what do you think?
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