I’ve been anxiously waiting to meet Mariana Wagner of the Colorado Springs Real Estate Connection and Agent Genius in person to verify that the following interview was not made up.  I can say after meeting her that it is all indeed true (including the part where she emailed me and threatened to copy and paste any parts I omitted from the full article)!   Mariana is an ex-hippie Realtor who is always in “go mode” and can make a joke out of dang near anything! 

What would your theme song be?

My theme song is forever changing and perpetually Unwritten. It really depends on my mood or my medication or who asks me. Since Lani asked me, then I am forced to make it complicated. There are 20+ of my previous and current theme songs scattered throughout this interview. So, if you are ready to continue … Let’s Do It! (Joan Jett style, that is …)

Pretend you’re single- you have to marry a celebrity, who is it?

I HAVE to marry a celebrity? What kind of question is that?!? You People Are Strange. Is Athol a celebrity? LOL! Okay. Okay. Today my answer is … Johnny Depp. Arrrggh! Not only does his quirky pirate-like intelligence and charm intrigue me, but that man sho’ does bring SexyBack!  Tomorrow my answer will NOT be Matt Damon, because, quite frankly, I can’t stand him. But it might be Dane Cook, ‘cause he is Bootylicious.

If quitters never win and winners never quit, why do they say “quit while you’re ahead?”

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it may incriminate me. So, instead, I will ask myself a different question (see next question)…

If you were a fictional character, who would you be?

Tank Girl. Hands down. Tank Girl. My idol.

Did we evolve from amoeba, monkeys, Adam & Eve or…

Um. Was that a question? I don’t know about you people, but I confuse evolution and reincarnation all the time. Honestly? I Imagine a Supermassive Black Hole that exists in the year 2013 – coincidentally the same year that my oldest son graduates from HS. At that point, we will be able to Pretend We’re Dead and go back in time and choose who we want to evolve from or be reincarnated into. I choose Elvis.

Tell us about a time you cursed in public.  Sports arenas don’t count.

Oh He11. Why this question? I am not a quiet person, nor am I that refined … Spent too much time in Brooklyn, NYC. (Oh, I love New York!) Okay, outside of day-to-day stuff … you asked for it. Once upon a time I worked at a local health food store, here in Colorado Springs. This was back when I was a hippy Punk Rock Girl and I ran the cash register. Well, one day I was driving my VW Golf and came to a stop at a stop light. Perfect weather. No Rain. It was Summertime, but there was no Blister in the Sun. Anyway, the city bus that was behind me proceeded to try to run through the red light and darn it if I wasn’t in the way. Jacked me up really good! Besides chanting, “I Wanna Be Sedated” and going through extensive sessions of bio-feedback, chiropractic adjustment and deep-tissue massage, I found myself with an extremely short temper – you know, the kind of temper where the “mental filter” between mind and mouth is completely absent? Yeah. THAT kind of temper. So, one day I was ringing up a bunch of bulk items for a “lady” and politely told her to please mark the price per pound on the bags next time she came in. 650 different types of bulk flour start looking the same. She snapped at me something about doing my job and how privileged she was … blah blah blah.

So, I just shut my mouth and tried to get through her order as quick as possible. Then she called me rude, so I flipped her off and told her to “Shut the F*** up.” I wonder if that was what she meant by “rude” … My stellar customer service skills at their best! The owner of the store saw all of it on tape (yes it was recorded) and came out front. He told the “lady” that she was rude to me and he didn’t need her business, handed her her bags of grains and told her to get out of the store. He then turned to me and asked me to please take a week off. So I did.

SERIOUS QUESTION:
Describe the “aha” moment when you knew you wanted to marry your husband.

I do not know how to answer this question, as I just knew the first moment that I met him that I needed to KNOW him. Anyway, I originally (and briefly) met Derek while visiting a friend who lived in an apartment near the Burnside Skate Park (under the Burnside Bridge in SE Portland). Derek doesn’t even remember this 1^st meeting. But I do. I was 19 - a “Come As You Are” sk8er chick. Skate or Die, Dude! And decided that I needed to get an apartment here … What a better 1^stapartment for a skateboarding assistant manager Teenager at Hot Topic than the one right across the street from Burnside Skate Park Oh the memories …

Anyway, I moved into the building a few months later, and had the chicken pox. Yes. Chicken Pox at 19. Ugh. I am moving in and completely delirious and this guy comes knocking on my door trying to give me a box of leftover pizza. (He worked at a pizza place.) After working through the confusion of I-didn’t-order-pizza and just-take-the-pizza-its-free and okay-fine-thank-you, I realized that he was this GUY that I decided I needed to know about 5 months prior. Time Warp a couple weeks later and we are hanging out all the time. By now I already “know” that I am going to be with him for the rest of my life. He asks me to go on a road trip with him to Colorado. He liked me just The Way I Are. I say yes without hesitation. Pop Goes the World I once knew. I quit my job, moved out and have been with Derek ever since. That was 14 years ago, and we definitely are Better Together. But I must say … What a Long, Strange Trip It’s Been!

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So there you have it. Mariana is thrown for a loop if she’s off her meds when she is asked simple questions, has an affinity for dirty guys, will do anything short of murder kittens to plug Tank Girl, has delusions of reincarnation and coming back as an Elvis monkey, cusses at harmless old ladies in stores, and overdoses on musical references and YouTube links in an abnormally unhealthy manner, putting her one step closer to an Institution… Now that you really know Mariana, what do you think???