It’s Andy Kaufman’s birthday (Agent Genius contributor, My East Bay Agent host, and Twitter addict), so why don’t we try to ruin his career by publishing the unedited version of his Bubble Gum Interview? What better way to tell someone you love them by letting their vulnerability become public? Happy happy Birthday, buddy!  Now get offline and go have fun!

What famous person did you crush on as a kid?

First it was Kelly, then Brenda for a sec, after that it was Valerie for a while, until Noxema Girl came along, when she got killed it was back to Valerie, then for a hot sec it was Keats, until finally it was Sam. Notice that I never said Donna once.

Who has better hair- Neil Cavuto or John Edwards?

Have you seen the wave in Edwards’ hair? Soft, fluffy, with a nice little curl on his part. Toally blows away Cavuto’s spiky gel helmet. I bet Jimmy Johnson’s hair moves more than Cavuto’s does. Of course I’m a guy and I don’t pay attention to guys’ hair, but since you asked…

When you listen to sea shells, do you hear the voices? What do they say to you?

Sure do. Evangeline Lilly whispers 4 8 15 16 23 42 in my ear. Hawt! Now what do they mean????

You’re at a bar and you meet Eric Estrada- do you go to the after party with him or do you run away?

Not only do we hit up the after party, we hit up the after after party. We’re doing it up, having a blast, calling each other 7 Mary 3 & 7 Mary 4. After that we hop on his private jet and keep it going (you know Ponch travels in style). yada yada yada… Next thing I know, I’m waking up at Lake Shastina with a couple plots of swamp land and a wicked hangover.

If you had to work at College Humor or I Can Has Cheezburger- which and why?

I’m an Onion guy, through and through. Wisco represent!

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So there you have it.  Andy thinks Donna is unworthy but somehow scary Noxema girl isn’t, has a little John Edwards mush (man+crush), hears hot chick’s voice when he listens to sea shells, tells dream sequence stories about gettin’ krunk with Ponch in a tone of a younger Peter Griffin and loves loves loves the Onion over ICHC, proving that he was dropped on his head frequently as a soft-headed baby. Now that you really know Andy, what do you think???